The Waiting Game (not much of a game if you ask me)!

So first off I want to give mad props to my husband! He took me to what is becoming my favorite restaurant the West Side Grill. They are always so friendly there and have very good meals, and great specials also. He bought me roses, and we watched Breakfast at Tiffany's! What a great way to spend Valentines day! I am so blessed to have him as my husband!

So we are waiting! We are busy preparing the house for kids. It is hard to know how to prepare because we do not know what we are getting. For now we are looking at Pack -n- Plays, with gender neutral colors. We are thinking about paint colors but do not want to paint a room yet. I have been thinking about car seats and strollers, but we are not sure the age or the number of children we will have at once so it is hard to make a choice. We have been pricing stuff and thinking about buying but just haven't gotten to the making a commitment part yet.

On not such a happy note this week our SAAB, my favorite car decided she didn't want to continue her journey. I am sure that this is a good thing, some how, but I don't see how right now. She was a good car and we were not planning on spending money on a car right now. We were really planning on focusing most our energy on the kid(s) when they show up. We are looking to replacing it with something a bit roomier since we don't know how many kids we will get. So in that regard it isn't such a bad thing. I am still sad, and it stresses me out a bit also. I am trying not to worry since that is one of the things I have been learning lately! If you could jut pray that it isn't a mini van that would be great!

I guess the worst part is that I am not enjoying the waiting, and the not knowing. I have expressed this in the past but knowing that there are kids out there that are hurting and they are not safe is really hard. Knowing that some of them are the children God intends to give to me to take care of, they they will be my children is even more painful! I wish I could protect them or shield them but I can not. So second best thing in my eyes has been reading researching and talking to other families in foster care. I want to know everything I can possibly humanly know. I want my (foster or adopted) children to have every available resource offered to them and I want to be their biggest advocate!

So waiting is the name of the game. Researching is what I am doing to not go crazy. Praying God provides a car and stuff for the children. Also praying that Chris and I will be leaning on the Lord and allowing Him to work through whatever may happen.

I will not promise to blog more often and I say, but I will make sure that if anything exciting happens I will update you guys!

Christmas, Foster Care and Facebook

Chris and I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even as exciting to us our foster care class!

Christmas was especially special this year. Chris and I chose not to travel to NC to visit my family this year for the holidays due to having foster care classes and a busy schedule. I missed not seeing my parents and my sisters, but I knew that finishing this class was what we wanted to do this year.

We had a very nice Christmas morning, just Chris and I, with our traditions and tree, We spent the majority of the morning opening gifts and just hanging out. By lunch time we started working on Christmas dinner, which was fine since we have never had a Christmas dinner at our home. My in-laws came up from Troy and ate with us. We had a great time. As I type this I am procrastinating fining homes in my home for all the great new things we received from our family and friends. I am also longing starring at my new skis and boot.

Chris and I reflected on the fact that we had hoped to have had a child or one on the way by now, but find great peace in where the Lord is leading us.

Last night at nine o'clock Chris and I finished our Foster Care/ Adoption class! Very exciting, Chris and I have a few more little things we need to do. Nothing to big just gotta get Chris to get his handyman skills out and put locks on cabinets and silly things like that.

After we do that we will be pretty much set other than, a couple of sheets that need to be finished up. We are very excited, We will be taking a CPR & First Aid Training at the end of January and soon after that we will be able to start receiving children! I can not believe that in a month or so we may have a child or two in our house! Insane if you ask me.

On a side note, the other night I had this dream that I was pregnant and we had a baby girl and we named her Eliza. Oh how to reminded me of how much that is something I want. I know that God has the best plan, but I wonder if He really knows sometimes. ( I know I know) Some days I have great days where I trust that God has His plan and that this is all going to work out the way He has planned, and then there are days where I cry a little and sit and wallow.

I don' t think that I will ever be fully okay with the situation, and that each day I will have different struggles. I wish I could say that the pain isn't there but it is, I think you learn to live with some of it, use some of it to move forward and you hold on to some of it to create hope. God can do anything, He can give us three kids through adoption, and three more of our own.

This blog was kind of random so one more random thing, I have to say that Facebook can sometimes be disappointing to people who are try to conceive and haven't. Daily you are reading ladies status's who are announcing their pregnancy to friends, complaining about pregnancy, or putting of belly pictures, or Facebooking their labor. Sometimes it is hard to read those things when you are not one of those women. The other day I was reading through status's and I spotted one lady who is a friend of mine on FB and she was confirming she was indeed pregnant. She also wrote that she was so excited for her new blessing and to pray for her but also for ladies who have had lost babies, and who were trying to conceive, I have to say I teared up a little.

Sometime we as people who haven't been bless that way yet, can be cynical and mean in our hearts to expecting ladies. Some would say that is okay! I would say especially after that act of kindness, that we should be happy and supportive of those ladies too. Just like they don't know what we are going through, we don't know what they are going through.

Okay I am sure I will be updating more often as the holidays or coming to an end. Thanks guys for all your prayers and support, Chris and I are blessed to have some many great people in our lives.

Thanksgiving, even when you don't feel like it?

Thanksgiving, everyone wants to share what they are thankful for, everyone expects you to be super grateful for everything you have. Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful for my husband, my family, my salvation, and my friends; but who isn't? If you aren't then maybe you are green and related to the Grinch somehow. I know we are suppose to be content with what you have. Now I sat down on Thursday and looked through the ads like any penny pinching American and tried to find something I just had to have. To be honest with you there wasn't anything I just had to go buy. (Let me just insert here quickly that Chris and I still went out because it is our tradition, we love four AM sales.) This is what I realized the one thing that I do not have I can not buy at Macy's, Best Buy or Target! If I had to pay full price for it I would, I wouldn't have waited till Black Friday to get it. Here is the thing everyone wants to complain about the person to their left and right who just aren't grateful enough at Thanksgiving, but sometimes you don't know what they have been through or what they haven't been through.

Don't get me all wrong I am so grateful and believe that I should be content with where God has me now! What He has in store for us. Even if it is not what I wanted. It is hard though the give up a dream. We can say it is not the plan God has for us now or ever. On the other hand the Bible commands us to be fruitful and multiply! If you trust in a literal interpretation I would have to say this is not God's original plan. With that said He is allowing it, and I have to respect that.

The things that sometimes hurts the most, if not being able to carry my child, to sustain their life when they are the size of a pea. Not being able to give birth, nurse, hold them right away, love them from the moment they are conceive, knowing I am doing everything I can do that's best for them.

Foster care is a scary thing, as your first priority is reuniting the child with their parents, no matter how bad the circumstances there are involved in their placement. The goal is to partner with the parents to improve their parenting skills. What hurts is that my potential child will have to start their life in circumstance that are less than best! I know that Chris and I will love any child that comes in to our home and that this isn't what we should be the worried about. Then again all you ladies who have given birth to your children could you imagine not providing every moment of love for those precious babies in those early days.

Update, we still haven't had our first home meeting, and the past two weeks class has been canceled. Please pray that we can have our first meeting so we can know what things we have to do to get our home approved (there is a whole other blog). The sooner we do that the sooner we can have our second visit and be certified to have children. We are so excited and can not wait to add baby laughter to our home and some crying and dirty diapers,

The Good and The Sad!

So it has been well over a month since my last post and I wanted to check in and say hello! So the obvious is that Chris and I went to Thailand last month for ten days and we loved it there. I think I can speak for us both, if it had not been for the guy at the 7-11 that we could not understand, it would have felt a lot like home. Bangkok is a big city, obviously not just like the USA but pretty darn cool. The Thai people are very hard workers, put Americans to shame if you ask me. 12 Students indicated that they had made a decisions for Christ! Praise God! We had such a great time seeing God use our group and the missionaries there to work in the hearts of the Thai. I would love to go back sometime, but that is up to God.

For those of you who knew yes Chris did get a bit pale and uncomfortable on the first flight from NY to St. Paul's/Minn., but after that he was fine. I am still wondering why no one woke me up to tell me his wife. LOL, it was probably better that way. I pretty much slept a lot on the way there and the way back. Most people said they never saw me awake. I will tell you I was awake mostly around time for the food, because that food stinks up the air and it is impossible not to wake up. I am still trying to figure out if Stouffer's has figured out how to make microwave meals I can digest how is it that the airlines haven't.

As for the personal stuff, things are moving a long here. Chris and I are not giving up by any means, and I don't want that to be what is conveyed here. We have, though, stopped all the infertility treatments. We currently can not go on spending the money we were spending and on top of that the insurance now doesn't cover any of it. Most insurances will not cover after a certain amount of IUI's so it is normal. I think we got to try and it didn't work. The other options for us right now are more invasive and more expensive.

Chris and I are sad that we haven't been able to conceive like most people, but have accepted that our God can do anything, with or with out doctors. This is what we have come to (once again I feel as I can speak for both of us): it isn't God's plan for us now! He knows that we desire to have a biological kid(s), but He also desires us to impact some other children. There may be a time in the future where he blesses us with a biological child but that doesn't mean we have to wait. With this comes the need for us to deal with that issue, and work through how that makes us feel and the "grieving" processes. It is hard, and as I type this I am tearing up.

With that though comes something we had always talked about! We wanted to adopt and foster children if ever given the opportunity. I had even told Chris a couple of times it would be nice to do that sooner than later. So Chris and I called before we left for Thailand and set up for us to attended a ten week course that will certify us as Foster/Adoptive parents in NY. We are currently on week four of the class. We haven't really made it clear to everyone because we wanted to make sure we were going to finish the class. Lord willing we only have six more classes till we are ready to take a child into our home. With the grieving process we have been going through there has been renewed hope and joy knowing that we will be able to help children if only for a time have a better life, give them coping skills, and love them. We also feel like God will lead us a child that we can adopt through this and we can call ours.

So please be praying for Chris and I as we have our first home meeting next week, and I tend to go over board on cleaning. Also please be praying that Chris and I will continue to communicate our pain to the Lord and to each other, as we do not want to have a breakdown there. One more thing please be praying for the child the Lord has for us, whoever he or she maybe. That the Lord will protect them, and let them know they are loved deeply!

Thank you!

Patti (& Chris) Collins

Quick Update!

Things were going great, I left for NC last Friday and have been there since then, I have enjoyed time with friends old and new, I have spent time with my parents, and sisters. We even all got together (minus one sister) to eat dinner with my sisters new fiancé. What a great trip it has been.

I really am blessed with a great family, for all their faults no one can not say we don't all love each other and support each other! I have loved spending time with my parents and realize who they are, not as my mom and dad but as human beings. I have also enjoyed just not being home dealing with doctors appointments and test.

But as always reality comes knocking, and there is no running from it! Wednesday AM was one of those mornings. I was at my moms by myself waiting for the cable guy who I missed at first and had to have another appointment to get that squared away. But reality came a calling literally from NY. It was my doctors office and it wasn't what I wanted to hear, the exact opposite. Patti we got your test results back and it appears you didn't ovulate. Now in past post I have explained and will do again quickly that after they determine a follicle is mature they will pop (force ovulation) with a trigger shot. Apparently the last two months I didn't ovulated even though a trigger shot was administered. This just adds to the list of reason I am not becoming pregnant.

I am sure you can guess, I had the breakdown of the year on that couch in my moms house. It really does feel like we get one issue resolved and another a rises! It is getting insane if you ask me! They started to explain the treatment plan for the next month and with tears and really no ability to speak I had to tell her that wouldn't be necessary, that our insurance runs out, and my new insurance had very strict no coverage policy.

I wanted to update y'all cause I know yall are waiting to hear. I am staying a couple of extra days here in Charlotte but I am heading back on Monday to NY. I will be is more of a position to talk about things then, but one thing I am sure of! I know it is God's plan for us to have kids, but no one can guarantee that is suppose to be biologically. God wants to bless us with kids, I am just not sure how. I would say stay tune though for some updates and to see where God leads us next!

Sportsman Dinner and Follicle

Today I am lacking wit and pithy sayings. After a exhausting week, and what I would call the close out of the summer with the Sportsman Dinner. For those who do not know this is a dinner for men who enjoy hunting and fishing and all things outdoors. They serve exotic meats and share hunting stories. There are vendors who sell guns and tree stands and all that stuff! The best part being at the end of the night the Gospel is shared about the One who created all of it! Well part of Chris' job is to kind of be the point man on this, make sure everything is taken care of. He has been working diligently on it for a while, and last night was the big night.

For the past two years, Chris has faithfully been at ever doctors appointments, made time, skipped lunches, and missed work to be with me. It is kind of weird, I know he doesn't need to be there but, it is so reveling when he is there. It is kind of cool, that we get the blessing of seeing the lil follicles before they become hopefully lil babies.Yesterday was follicle day as I like to call it, and of course there was no way Chris could be there and do all his other responsibility.

So I went in and they started on the left side, and I had several follicles there, but not one dominate one nor one big enough to pop. Then we went to the right side, and there is was in all it's glory, the biggest follicle I have ever seen on the screen. I am not saying the biggest one ever but never had I had one like that. The ultrasound tech looked at me and gave me a thumbs up, and said lets get the doctor. Most people don't cry over ovaries and follicles, but I sure did, I have also learned no makeup before the visits.

Well there was all kinds of discussions, having the shot administered at home, waiting till the after the weekend. Once again though I can not say enough about my doctor. She will be in labor and delivery all day today and has agreed to come in this afternoon afterwards to administrator our IUI! Everyone at the office was very optimistic I am very optimistic and Chris and I will be praying! So this evening we are going to have our and no matter how it goes last IUI for now.

Please pray that this goes well. Also pray that Chris and I will trust the Lord's timing and that we will follow His will no matter what happens. Thanks everyone for your prayers. We will be updating more frequently from now on. Summer has ended and hopefully things will slow down.

Thanks guys!

a Tuesday Monday

Today is Tuesday but it feels a lot more like Monday. We have been so busy these past couple of weeks I haven't had time to update the blog. It would be kind of hard to update on the Palm a whole blog, which is where I have been doing most of my internet"ing".

In the past month I have become a year older, 27. I don't know what you think but I have always felt like 27 is the age where it is time to get your act together and do something. If you are still not sure what you are going to do at 25 people say oh they are young. 26 is like a leeway year and then 27 is a full blown adult. Chris and I also celebrated five years of marriage. I can not believe it has been that long or that short. It seems like I can not remember what it was like not having him home for dinner or there in the morning, but on the other side it feels like it was just yesterday I walked down that isle.

This month brought a lot of fun things to put our time and energy in to, like going to the Washington County fair, our churches Soccer Clinic, going camping, reading some great books. It made it very easy not to think about the IUI and my chances of getting pregnant, but this past weekend it was hard to not wish we already had a kid or four.

As I suspected we got a BFN last week and I called to doctor to set up my next ultrasound and get my next round of pills and injection. We went camping with a family with four children from age 6-12. I have to say that camping was a lot of fun. I watched Chris play with the kids, I watched the kids talk to us and their parents. Now I am sure it is different when you are the parent and not the cool friends that come along. Man oh man though I was I was a parent.

Once again I was worrying too much about it, it is not my plan, but Gods. I have t rest and know he has a plan! Where we are at, at this moment is...

We doubled my pills this month.

I will go in on Friday for my u/s

and we will go from there.

Please pray for Chris right now, as during this past couple of weeks he has been sick, and doing school online, and also working on our churches Sportsmen's Dinner outreach for the community. IT IS ALSO FRIDAY, which means he will be very busy this week. Please pray that the pills do not drive me to the edge, praise the Lord they haven't in the past I am just worried about a double dose.

A very special prayer is that this would be our month and I know I say that every month, but I am coming to the end of my insurance plan that covers all of these in October, if this month doesn't work it appears I will be in Thailand my next window. I called the insurance the other day that my husband is on and I am going on to and they do not cover anything at all! So we will have to stop all treatments. This is very hard for me to accept, because we know the reasons for my infertility and not have the treatments drastically cuts my chances. We have been waiting for a month on the right and now we are at the end of the process, please pray that all goes well and I will not have to worry about this stupid insurance problem.

Before I breakdown and have a meltdown I better close this up saying, I know that God has a plan, and he isn't worried about insurance or treatments. He has it worked out. It is hard understanding His timing and His plan, but I am trying as hard as it is. Thanks again guys for praying!!

THANK YOU

First off I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who prayed for me and who is still praying for me! I know for a fact that today went as good emotionality as it did because of people who were praying for Chris and I.

Like I said last month I am learning not to expect anything too much, just praying that god's will, will be done. This month I only had one mature follicle and it was on the left side! (Which is the side not in complete working order.) The U/S tech had to find a doctor to talk to me or at least look at the photos so they could decided if we should pop me (their words for the trigger shot) and if I should try the IUI. Of course it was lunchtime and everyone was out so we had to come back over at around one. We came back and the doctor decided to go ahead and give it a try. So they popped me and we go back Wednesday AM for the procedure. A couple of post ago I explained and IUI so if you have questions you can refer back to that.

After the shot I felt so dizzy and lightheaded I laid down on the couch and slept for two hours! Yay me no so good on the cleaning I should have gotten done. I am not to upset and learning that God has a plan and I should just trust Him. That is my thought this month, if God wants to to become pregnant he can work with no tube.!

That's all I have a for the day! Thanks guys for your love and support and prayers, they mean a lot to Chris and I!

Another Month is Something

If you haven't waited month after month for a positive pregnancy test then you can not understand! Even women who only had to try for one month or six or 12 or 18 months will tell you each month is something. Every month matters. Let me explain. Did you know that

25 percent of all couples become pregnant in their first month of trying

60 percent become pregnant within six months

75 percent become pregnant within nine months

80 percent of all TTC couples will be pregnant within a year

90 percent in 18 months!

This doesn't account for all the people who were not even trying, no hate on them though that is great! At least I think so!

Every month matters, now I was looking around for numbers and they vary but this is the round about numbers most people use. So saying that these numbers are accurate there leaves only ten percent of us out there who have been trying longer than 18 months and they still aren't pregnant. That is a small percentage compared to a whole population of people, it is also very small because it includes me. I remember sitting in Panera after we had found out my sister in-law was pregnant, Chris and I finally said it is time. We still haven't had a positive pregnancy test and it has been close to three years since my nephew was born!

Here is what I know, it doesn't matter how hard I fight, what procedures we do, or how long we try, those numbers are just numbers and my God is bigger than them all. After three years of way too many ups and downs health wise, and surgeries and hormones, I am tired. I can not fight anymore in my strength, what happens now has to be God. God has a time and God is bigger than clamps and clomid and shots and IUI's! My God is the King of King's, Lord of Lord's and yet I have been sitting around claiming I was being punished or that He didn't care! The bird's want for nothing the trees of the field are taken care of am I not more precious, The Bible tells me I am. His Word tells me I am! So, no longer will I be fighting my infertility (Well lets say I will try not fighting it) but I will let God by Father fight this one for me and no matter the outcome I will choose to praise Him (maybe after some tears)!

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

I am not sure if Scott Flowe would remember this but, when we were youth he did a Wednesday night lesson on this passage if I remember correctly. He was talking about how the first day of school parents would hold their children's hands to their classroom and tell them it is okay you are safe. He continued on and said that is exactly what God is going to do for you! God is holding my right hand, leading me guiding me and sticking with me even when I am not so sure I want to stick it out, He is always there holding my right hand! Scott if you hear about this or read that, I still think of that night and remember God is holding my right hand every time I read this passage! Thanks!

Update: Start back on the clomid on Wednesday (tomorrow) and have an U/S on Monday. Our biggest prayer would be that we are relying on God and not our doctors. Secondly that all my mature follicles would be on the right side since that is where the tube is. And thirdly that we would be able to have an IUI this month.

IUI Bummer

Yesterday morning was suppose to be my morning! I was going to go in have several mature follicles and have them administer the trigger shot! I was so excited, really nervous, and totally ready for this. Then they started the U/S and of course all my mature follicles are on my left side! I have become a quick study I can point out my ovaries and uterus on an u/s I can even point out my lining! So when she said that is your right ovary, I knew when I saw the small follicles the gig was up. I knew before she even went to the left side that there would be mature follicles, and I was almost right! There were THREE follicles that would be mature by Thursday! If you don't know, your ovaries tend to share the responsibility of producing eggs. Many people think that they take turns every other month. I know for a fact the past two months it has been my right because of the u/s. So who really knows.

As some of you know I have no tube on the left side, so for my egg to be picked up by the right tube and carry it to the uterus is somewhat of a stretch, not impossible, and surely not with God, but it does throw some kinks into th IUI thing. When they preform an IUI they want the best odds possible since insurance normally only covers it so many time. So after the u/s which I cried at, we met with the doctor, and we decided to just come back on Thursday, and have the trigger shot and then just let this cycle take it's course. It is not impossible, since your ovary swells before the egg is released for it to push up on the tube and the egg to make it's way there just a lot less of a chance then when you have two!

So I know that every time I go through these disappointments that there is some lesson in there. I think I am learning I can not plan on anything, and my doctor who I love felt so bad! She apologized, asked me if I wanted a second opinion and asked if I want to try more invasive tactics. We both (Chris and I) reassured her that that was not how we felt, we knew we were getting the best advice we can get at this point, but that my body is the one fowling things up. I know if we went to a clinic that specializes in fertility from my research it would be the same steps we are taking. I just need to learn that the only thing I can trust in is the Lord! He is the one who has orchestrated all this and it will look more amazing than the Sistine Chapel. With that said it is hard when you are sitting right in the middle of it to see the beauty of the work, and that is where I am asking for help. Please pray that God would allow me to find joy the process even at this stage where it has become so hard. Allowing me to see His hand in all of this.

On a less seriously bummed note, my TV that Chris and I bought two years ago broke! What is that about, prior to that TV I had in that room was a 13' TV that Santa had brought years ago that we had in the bedroom. Can you explain to be how new technology does not last as long as the old. Oh and by the way the TV and VCR were still working it just had a slight hint of green in the top right corner. Well we called the service number on the extended warranty we bought last night and yes they were open at 11pm and they are sending us a full reimbursement for the TV. So I guess Chris and I will be out shopping for a bedroom TV again. I sure do like new stuff. May even be able to upgrade to 1080 from 720dpi! I am such a dork!